Okay, here we go again...no, not too many mistakes.
Hey nice....... your also very creative.......
But now I've got a new job for you(if you would be so nice to correct me, or someone else). I write this song because I saw the picture of 'Pessu' in the forum. It has nothing to to with her, but she inspired me with her beautiful look. Okay..... I hope there are not that much mistakes----- I'm still learning
So here it is.......Lonely Days In Finland
The laughter of passing days
came with the wind,
behind your back.
It blows in my face.
And I feel the cold upon my legs.
Where are you?
I turned around, just to see myself
in the frozen lake behind your house,
and you disappeared.
When the snow melts on your skin,
you will see the deer outside.
Playing with your thoughts of the last winter days.
The spring will come so irresistibly quick
So that you still won't name
what takes your breath away so painfully.
Every day anew.
But I will try to kill the ghosts of your nightmares
and read the tales of your fantasies.
But you beg me.
"Don't go upstairs,
To the attic, full of cobwebs
You'll find my past,
trembling and whispering to itself,
behind the boxes of my forgotten days."
But everything is all right.
The shadow of the past has flown away
with the songbirds.
So don't be hurt.
Let me be here at your side.
Look, but don't wait for me.
I dont want to slow you down.
Don't want to hold your hand.
If you want to go.
But some time, when you dont expect me, I will be there.
So dry your eyes, don't let me drown
on my lonely road to you.
Very interesting. The biggest problem I had was figuring out if you were talking in the present, past or future. It seemed like you were doing all three at the same time, sometimes using all three tenses in the same verse. You were close to this person, then far away, etc. Okay, so let me do this:
v1. I said laughter because the days were doing the laughing. Laughter was the sound. Or I could have said, "the laughing of days long passed." Too wordy, so it's just laughter. One day comes, two come. No matter how many, it's he she they or we Came, so no "s." You only have one face. Is it happening now or has it been going on for a while? Came is past. blows is present. I'm guessing you meant it as, it has come, so I kept blows, and changed it to feel, rather than felt. Cold is just cold, the -ness can work but it's unnecessary. The next part is what I was talking about before with the tenses. are is present. Turned is past. I could have said, " Where were you? As I turned,....you disappeared."
Or, "Where did you go? I turn around, ...and you disappear." I'm probably overexplaining again, so I'll move on.
v2. Snow is one massive thing, so it's snow melts. Deer is one of those words that doesn't change no matter how many of it there is. One deer, or a whole herd of deer. Same with moose. Don't ask me why, English is weird.
Again, Came works with everything, no extra s on the end. Now, in the beginning of the verse it sounds like spring isn't here yet, but Came is past tense. So I made it future tense instead.
"Will come" and "won't name." Also, Irresistable describes the coming, so that means it's an adverb. Therefore, I have to add the -ly on the end. I could have also said, "The spring will come, so irresistable, so quick," Or, "The spring will come, irresistable, so quickly." In the 2nd version, irresistable is describing spring, so it stays the same, and quickly describes the coming, the action of it.
And the common phrase is, "takes your breath away." I could have said, "takes away your breath." The first is easier.
And I could have made it, "Every day is new." I suspect you were running the sentences together. It's fine as is, but since anew is talking about your breath being taken, it could be used as one whole sentence, like:
"So that you still won't name what takes your breath away so painfully, every day anew."
v3. Again, now where are you? Are you still talking about the future, or are you back in the present? You haven't gone into the attic yet, so I made it future. Itself is one word. self is one, so no "s" on the end.
v4. Alright, this can get confusing. That's one word. But if something is all right, it's two words. Yeah, English is weird.
Alright is a "yes," it's a consent. Do you understand that all right? Alrighty then, moving on!
It's either the shadow has flown, or is flying. The first makes more sense.
It's either want to, or wanna. "Wanna", is just plain bad English. It's the same as "gonna." It's slang. So I made it look nice as "Want to". (And I'm gonna wanna get outta here!) (Outta= out of)
Sorry, there is no such word as "somewhen." You probably meant "sometimes." Some time is two words, and sometimes is one. Gah! You're promising that you will be there when she's not expecting it at that moment, so I made it don't rather than won't. You're talking about that moment, not some unclear thing.
I combined the last two lines because, again, they run into each other. The last line talks about the line before it. You're saying, Don't let me drown on my lonely road to you, so, there is no reason to break up the sentence.
Now, I say that, and I look at my previous poem where I did exactly that. However, I broke it up on purpose to force a few pauses in there. I'm commanding: Give me your blessing.[break] Lest I wither. [break] And die. [break] Quench me. So if that's what you were trying to do, I understand. However, your sentences were a lot longer. If you wanted, you could have done this:
So dry your eyes.
Don't let me drown.
But that's unnecessary. The two lines seemed to naturally flow together so I made them one. I know I tend to overdo this but I wanted to make myself clear. I'm no teacher, I'm just a girl who loves to read and loves poetry.
Okay? You guys are getting so good at this! I love it!