i'm happy that you like it!
i think for the short time its pretty good!

Yeah. It's really good!
Thanks

I think its time for another poem. I've wrote it this morning. On my everyday bus tour(starts 5:45) at the last bus seat while listening(very loud) to 'Maybe Tomorrow Is A Better Day' and 'Everything Fades'. So here it is..... [You now what you have to do with mistakes - told me ^^]

Number 121

It's my sky, why can you see the black crows there?
Playing hide & seek with my biggest fears
Of losing reality.
Of losing you, of beeing insane.
Of beeing dead before my last day.
Of beeing alone... with your starring eyes.

You fool me,
and the death is on your tongue.
The war is in your eyes,
and your tempturing smile is your dearest baby.

Now my life is a circus
and I'm the clown who scares the little child, that I'm.
But you're my suburb-flower.
Bloom at my grave, till the dew seep
into my hopeless eyes again.

But I'm still here six feet under,
Where devil rule and you can't pretend.
Just six feet under,
but so close to the end.

Wow! Very nice,man! "Just six feet under"! Cool! Great!
Eh... I think I should listen to some of POTF songs to write anything else!..

Yes it helps.......
I love this part from everything fades : That which drew you, like a crow to glass beads

And thx for your praise. Always an honor...

Ehm..... what fits better seep or trickle ?

My pleasure..
"Seep" is better,if you ask me.

Got some good ideas, there, Rubbish Rose.If you'd like me to critique it again, and you want me to be picky, it's mostly spelling mistakes, and organization. Again, this is just me being a stickler for grammar and stuff.

If I may, and please don't be offended, I'd like to redo yours with a few corrections. If there's one thing I hate my art teachers doing, it's redoing my art. However, for the most part, they are right.

Okay, here goes:

It's my sky...
Why do I see
The black crows there?

Playing hide and seek
With my biggest fears:

Losing reality,
Losing you,
Being insane.
Of being dead before my last day.
Being alone...with your staring eyes.

You fooled me,
But death was on your tongue
The war was in your eyes
But your tempting smile
Was your most dearest baby.

My life became a circus,
And I was the clown
Who scared the little child
That I was.

But you're my suburb flower.
Come, bloom over my grave
Until the dew seeps
Into my hopeless eyes again.

I'm still here,
Six feet under
Where devils rule
And you can't pretend.
Only six feet under,
But so close to the end.



Okay, that was pretty picky. I hope I interpreted your words correctly. With some of them, I wasn't sure if you meant one thing or another. Again, I don't want to insult you or make you feel bad. I really think you have a unique way of expressing yourself. Keep writing!

ahw you could do that with mine too please! your good!

YEAH thx guy.

Some things you don't understand they way I meant it.
But most of all...you helped me. THX!

this guy is a girl, stupid!

Hey now, ease up. Nobody is stupid, here...unless they want to be. Yeah, I'm a girl. As Garfield would say, Big Fat Hairy Deal.

Rubbish Rose, that's all I was trying to do, was help. I worried that I might not get all of it right, but at least you see how important it is to interpret it right the first time, and how important to get spelling and stuff right. Some of it made more sense when I put it into past tense, which is why I did.
Also, like the beginning line: It's my sky, why can you see the black crows there,
You say it's Your sky, but then you say you, like you're talking to someone else. But if the sky is yours, why do you change posession of it by saying you? Shouldn't it be "I"? So that's why I did that.

Oh what the hey, I'll go through the whole thing.

Then you list your fears, which is why I set it up that way. I removed the "ofs" because they were extra, and unnecessary. Beeing=being, and as for starring, there was two ways to interpret that. I chose the obvious, the word staring, which is to stare. But with the 2nd R, you could also have meant the word starry, which is like the stars. People's eyes have been called starry eyes before, so you could have also meant that.

As I said, it made more sense when I put it into past tense. At the end of the poem you are buried. That's the present. Before that, you were fooled. I chose But Death instead of And Death, because if you saw death was on her tongue, you wouldn't have been fooled, right? But her smile was tempting, her most dearest baby. That sounds like her smile was her weapon of choice. Now, she is still above ground, so I could have kept that part in the present, only we're talking about you, and you're in the ground. So I made it past tense.

I kept the past tense for the next part, which was for me the most difficult to interpret. "And I'm the clown who scares the little child, that I'm."
Two ways to read that: 1. you are the clown, and you're scaring the child or person you once were, or 2. You are the clown that scares little children. Since this poem seems to be more about you, I went with #1.

But you're still hung up over her, you still have feelings for her even though she hurt you, because you call her Suburb flower. It sounded to me like you were inviting her to visit your grave, which is why I added the word Come. Dew is just one thing, not many, which is why it's seeps instead of seep.

In the last verse I cut out But because it wasn't necessary. She knows where you are, that you're still there, six feet under. Did you mean devils rule, or one Devil rules? That was the last thing I wasn't sure of. And Only sounded better than Just, more rhythmic. But that's just me.

I think everyone here who speaks/writes in English as a 2nd language does very well. I can't write or speak in any other language, so I'm lucky to be able to understand you guys at all! If this place was only in Finnish, I'd be pretty stuck. It goes to show just how smart everyone is.

Just keep writing, all of you! Sarek, if you really want me to critique you, I will.

I hope he won't take it to serious, wasn't meant that way!
Please do it! Critique me!
you know it's difficult to get the meaning or feeling i want to express in english!

The DARK Wanderer

Never i have been in love,
always i was on my own,

visions keep hunting me,
as blue skys turn to black,
i have got no way back,
walking through fields of green,
behind me they all turn red,

no good is what i got to give,
nightmares turn alive,
when you see me pass,
no bringer of light,
a slave to darkness is what i am,

where i pass people start fighting,
without reason just for the fact,
save your tears for your self,
i have no use for those things,
i will bring you darker days,

if only i could fall in love,
the world would be saved,
but no need for that anymore,
soon i will fade away anyway,
cause the world is on it's edge,

it won't last long now,
and we will all be gone,
i know it and soon will you,
remember me when the time has come,
when this world is done,

Then i will be free,
then i will love again.

Okay, but you asked for it! Actually, there's not much to do with this one. I'll just fix it in the quote here, though I must say there isn't a whole lot to fix!
For Example, not every line needs to be capitalized, but at least do it for every new verse. "Standing alive" didn't sound quite right. If you're standing, you're already alive, you don't need to say it. "Staying alive" sounds better, it's sounds like it belongs because even though Valkyr is in your blood, you're trying to survive, or at least that's what the author sounds like he's doing. "Talk like insane" Should be "talk like I'm insane", but it interrupts the rhythm, so I left it as is.

"It's you I got" should be "I've got", even though it's common slang to say "I got". It didn't interrupt the flow too badly, so I changed it. Again, I'm being picky. "It's you who makes" instead of "you who make": if you left out "who", "you make" would be correct. "You who make" refers to more than one person, and you're only talking to Valkyr.

Following the rhythm, I broke up "Always forever now", because it sounded like there was a natural pause there. I could have also done that for "please no more pain", but I really didn't have to, so I left it alone.

The rest of it was mostly rearranging. "Never will you go away" is correct, rather than "Never you will go". I realize in other languages that the way you wrote it would actually be the right way, rather than how I changed it to be. However, wince you want this done with the correct English grammar, I fixed it.

And if you want me to be really anal, it's actually supposed to be, "You will never go away." However, this is poetic verse, so perfect grammar doesn't apply, and it shouldn't be. I changed it to "With you I'll forever stay," instead of "With you I must stay", again, because of rhythm. It just flows better, which is also why I broke up "I might kill someone today." Again, natural pause.

By the way, DO NOT be afraid to tell me you think I'm wrong! If you want things left the way they were, say so!

i like it very much! it's amazing, now it seems just right!
please do it again with future poems i put here, you'r great!
thank you very much!

@TheArtist
this sure was a lot of work for you, i apologize for keeping you up for this! but it's great work you've done!
*bows forever*


*still bowing*


*ouch my back hurts*

i'll bow on tomorrow if you please!

fast love

The wind blows,
your heart knows,

Sky is falling,
i am crawling,

Love is flowing,
where you'r going,

We fell in love,
head over heels,
Darkness is gone,
only light everywhere,

No wind blows,
no heart knows,

sky is crumbling
i am tumbling,

Love is going,
noone is knowing,

We broke apart,
head over heels,
light is gone,
Darkness remains,

We where rushing in and out of love,
beautifull but hurting, fast and slow,
was fun while it lastet,
now your gone,
still got a smile on my face,
when i think of you, love.

Farewell

Dark land of mine,
where shadows lie,
where all hope is lost,
noone here to trust,

left alone turn to stone,
got nothing more to give,
i gave it all to you,
killed everything inside,
nothing more to live,

Darker Days are coming,
and i keep on running,
can't escape this dark land,
it was built by my own hand,

left alone turnd to stone,
nothing there to give,
gave it all away,
killed everything inside,
nothing more to live for,

can't escape the darkness,
you had been so heartless,
grab the gun and pull the trigger,
Love is lost in this Dark Land,
and so am I,

Aw, shucks! Thank you. I'm just glad I know a little something about composition!

I suppose you'd like me to look at these new ones as well?

The last two make me curious, because sometimes they rhyme, and sometimes they don't. Was that your intention, or did you want the whole thing to rhyme? Or doesn't it matter?

Okay, let me see what I can do with this one. This is very visual. I don't want to change it whole lot, as I'm unsure whether or not you arranged it this way on purpose. However, it's mostly organization, anyway. I think you were trying to get a rhythm down, but I'm not sure. Oh well, let's see what happens.

I have never been in love. (or, Never have I been in love)
Always been on my own

Visions keep haunting me
(Was the word supposed to be haunting, or hunting? Either could work, but if it is hunting, then I'd say, Visions keep hunting me down)

As blue skys turn black
I have no way back (rhythm, and "got" isn't needed)

While walking through fields of green
They all turn red behind me (organization and flow)

What I have is nothing good to give,
But nightmares come alive
(What you're saying is I have nothing to give except nightmares)

When I pass by (Or when you see me passing)
I bring no light
But a slave to darkness;
That's what I am.

Where I pass, (Or where I pass by, or even When I pass)
the people start fighting
Without any reason,
just for the fact.
No, save your tears for yourself
(You seem to be addressing someone, so I added "no", and yourself is one word)

I have no use for those things,
For I will bring you darker days.
(It sounds like you're saying don't cry for me because things are only going to get worse, so I added "for" )

If only I could fall in love,
then this world would be saved
(or could be saved, and I added " then this" because you're being very personal about it, so it's in part to bring ownership to it.)

But I have no need for that,
not anymore, (rhythm)
Soon I will fade away, anyway
For the world is already on edge.
("its" not needed, and For sounds better than 'cause, or because)

It won't last long (Or, "it won't be long now)
And we will all be gone
I know it and so will you (Or, I know and soon you will, too)
Please remember me,
When the time has come. (You're asking, so I added Please.)
When the world is done.

Then, I shall be free
Then, I shall love again. (Shall flows better than will)

I hope I didn't dissect this one too much! I hope you understand what I tried to do! I really like this one.

surely i try to get some kind of flow trough this. but what use is it if there are some lacks of expretion? I like the way you put it. but its shocking that my english is that bad. just kidding! you've done some great work again, and i don't know how to repay you for this. guess i just keep on bowing to you! *bows again*
you where curious about the other two poems because sometimes they ryhme and sometimes not, thats wanted this way, but i try to keep somekind of flow through it,
for example:
ryhme
not ryhme
ryhme
not ryhme

sometimes words come togheter unexpected. i'll always leave it as it is, cause i can't do much about it ether. There are many words i don't know and so i just leave em out trying to find some other suitable word to replace it.
*still bowing*
it is hard to write a reply while i am bowing to you!
Thanx again for you help!

I'm here again.
At first I think I should explain everything about my poem..... But I think it's a lot better when everybody have his own thought while reading my poem.
There are things you'll never understand, because you don't be me. You don't know about my feelings and things like that. But I'm soooooo thankful that you really think about my lyrics. Thats everything I want. Because of that, I don't changed that much at my poem.

@ SAREK
You are a fuckin genius! I love *The DARK Wanderer*. It's soooooooooo cool. And it inspired(wrong spelling I think) me so much.

just like you did to me!

anyway thanx a lot to all the people reading my poems!
it's not pure genius that put those poems together but the Heart of mine.

No, no, please rise, Sir Sarek! It is I who must surely bow to you for your wonderful words!

Rubbish Rose, I understand completely. You have inspired me, too.

Ok, lets make a poet.
Your a girl and i´m a boy, so lets dance dance dance, just dance dance dance

And Sarek, your English is wonderful! You're so lucky to be able to write and speak more than one! I wish I could!!!

Okay, enough critiques, now it's my turn:

The Beast Within

Clawing slicing tearing
Long talons flash and snip,
Slashing at the darkness
That holds me in a deathgrip.

It seems to grin at me
And thusly I grin back.
For I have fangs of white
To bite out all the black.

I beat against the walls
Anger makes me fume
I dig down deep and rend away
Only deepening my tomb.

Behind that anger, fear
Gnaws away my inner self.
Sometimes I wish that I could
Put my soul upon a shelf.

But that would be giving up and so
I stay to reave the night.
For the Beast within, the Darkness I
Am my last, solitary blight.

@TheArtist
ripping like that it's cool and cutting!
*stops bowing cause you said so*

Thank you...

Hey,boys and girls! Just found a not much time... just to post a new poem...

The Death.

Sticky like glue,cold like fog,
Hungry death got to my brain,
Wind of madness,devil's dog,
Chained my soul and called my name,

From nowhere its ugly voice,
Whispered then inside my head,
"Dear boy,you have no choice,
Surrender to me,it's not bad,

You just think,why to resist?
To get back your soul's fire?
Your sick mind and bloody fists?
And to crave for fool desire?

Where is she,who drove you mad?
She,whose eyes just like spring sky?
Does she sit beside you sad?
Dear,throw away this lie!

When black shadow covered city,
A bullet found your weary heart,
Does she feel herself guilty?
She'll not remember and cry not!

The moon and stars, was all for her,
And you drowned in her sweet hugs,
This sly bitch seemed so pure,
And poison lips was like hard drug.

Some another,not like you,
Will become her weird joy,
It will not be something new,
She play by love like obscene toy."

Sticky like glue,cold like fog,
Hungry death got to my brain,
I surrendered to devil's dog,
Nobody now calls my name...

-/- See ya later!