I believe we've had a thread like this before, though, having searched for it, I couldn't find it (so I am sorry if it's out there ).

We've had different quote-threads (best quote etc), but this thread is meant entirely for funny quotes, so people can go through this thread and have a laugh

Naturally, I'll throw in some to start it:


"I have a bad feeling that whenever a lesbian looks at me they think 'That's why I'm not a heterosexual" - George Costanza (from Seinfeld)

Young man (having seen Winston Churchill leave the bathroom without washing his hands): "At Eton they taught us to wash our hands after using the toilet!"
Winston Churchill: "At Harrow they taught us not to piss on our hands!"

"Women inspire us to do great things - and keep us from doing them!" - Alexandre Dumas

Willie: "5 minutes! You'll be back in 5 minutes!"
Indiana Jones: "I'll be asleep in 5 minutes!" (from Indiana Jones and Temple Doom)

Great idea for a thread

I have no idea where half of these came from, but they made me chuckle:

"Are you homophobic?"....."No, I'm not afraid of my house."

"I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar."

"You laugh because I'm different...........I laugh cause I just farted!"

"I could've eaten Alphabits and crapped out a better essay!!"

I don't suffer from laziness I enjoy every minute of it

"If my dog was as ugly as you, I'd shave his ass and teach him to walk backwards."

From a Jack Lemmon movie.

Don't get your undies in a bunch. It solves nothing and just makes you walk funny.

If something's hard to do then its not worth doing.

I never apologize Lisa, I'm sorry but that's just the way I am -wisdom of Homer J Simpson.

Never do anything you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics.

Haha!

so very awesome, reminds me of how my sister broke her toe by kicking a bucket of cement

"I'm not vain, I just like looking good" - Ville Valo

sorry, can't help myself

It's probably not as funny as it is for me, but it always brings a smile to my face

"People told me I couldn't kill Nicholson, so I cast him in two roles and killed him off twice." -Tim Burton

"Time is an illusion. Lunchtime, doubly so." -The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

"What to do if you find yourself stuck with no hope of rescue: Consider yourself lucky that life has been good to you so far. Alternatively, if life hasn't been good to you so far, which given your present circumstances seems more likely, consider yourself lucky that it won't be troubling you much longer." -Again from Hitchhiker

"Give a man a fish, and he's creating art. But teach him to fish, and soon you'll have a pool full of exploding koi." -Neil Gaiman

"All tapes left in a car for more than about a fortnight metamorphose into Best of Queen albums." -Good Omens

Fiona: Donkey, shh, shh. It's me... in this body.
Donkey: Oh, my God, you ate the princess! -Shrek

"This is Vicodin. It's mine. You can't have any. And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem. But who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell." -House (of course I had to put one)

"No one deserves to have their private life pried into like mine and no one deserves to hear me whine about it so much." - Kurt Cobain.

"A cynic is just a romantic who is sulking."

"I'm two blocks from home when I guess I black out. Next thing I know, four policemen are hoisting me up, slapping me in handcuffs, and loading me into the back of the squad car to drive me back downtown and throwing me in the drunk tank. I donno, I think it's because I was wearing just long-johns and a trench-coat, I think they thought I was one of the neighborhood crazies... but I got pants! They looked at my long-john and said "that's not going to work" and they gave me a pair of pants, and I was pretty out of it, so I put them on. And an hour or something later, when they let me out, they didn't ask for them back or anything, so hey, free pants!" - This guy I met on the train. He was dressed like a pirate.

I love that one

seinfeld is always hilarious



You truly have the best quotes

I'm not bad, I'm just not as good as others.- my friend Zavanda lol

I'm not evil, I'm unholy- my friend Sheila

"Why have a twig when you can climb the whole tree.." from Hairspray

"Spider Pig, Spider Pig..Does what ever a Spider Pig does." Homer from the Simpson's Movie

"Can he swing, from a web? No he can't, he's a pig. Look out, here comes the Spider Pig!!"

The funniest part of the movie for me

Your friends seem to be a lot of fun

Yes, yes they are.. lol They're goofy.

And Tisc I agree, that's the best part of the movie for me too..

Here's one of my favorite quotes from the tv show Roseanne:
"We are not bodies with souls.. We are souls with bodies."

or this one
"If I ever get off this couch I'll be unstoppable." lol

My Friend Carina: "Cops are always wary about late-night calls to the engineering lab. Engineering students have stuff that goes 'splodey."

"Ow, my brain."

"Love, like broken porcelain, should be wept over and buried, for nothing short of a miracle will make it whole again. But who, in some wild flight of pride, has not sought to recover the unrecoverable with words?" - Freya Stark.

"If English is by then the only language left to be learned, it will have been the greatest intellectual disaster, that the planet has ever known"

David Crystal - English linguist

"If you're going to be in a rock and roll band, you might as well be in the Beatles." - George Harrison.

The Best line if u wanna hit ladies:
"Could you help me out in the toilet because doctor said that I can't lift anything heavy" - by my friend (Sorry, it's lame. )

Edit: sounds better

said on family guy

"Youre the white version of a black guy who isnt good with his money" thinks its funny

Springfield Hospital - Come here for surgery....stay for the complications...

By Voltaire, in response to a priest asking him to renounce Satan as he lay on his deathbed:

"Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies."

on a telephone conversation
Bart to Moe : can i get Seymour.. the last name is butts...
Moe: calls on to everyone in the bar: is there a butts here ..
seymour butts
hey everybody i want seymour butts..
*everyone laughs*
hey wait a minute
Moe to bart: listen you here scum sucking pus bucket.. when i get my hands on u i'm gonna pull your eyeballs with a corkscrew...

http://www.strangeplaces.net/weirdthings/tower.html
http://www.strangeplaces.net/weirdthings/boss.html
http://www.strangeplaces.net/weirdthings/headlines.html
http://www.strangeplaces.net/weirdthings/excuses.html
http://www.strangeplaces.net/weirdthings/signs.html

some of them are genius

Calvin and Hobbes

"I'm a genius, but I'm a misunderstood genius."
"What's misunderstood about you?"
"Nobody thinks I'm a genius."

If something is so complicated that you can't explain it in 10 seconds, then it's probably not worth knowing anyway.

Reality continues to ruin my life.

If you do the job badly enough, sometimes you don't get asked to do it again.

and now my favorite:
Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

awesome